Do you remember a few weeks ago I wrote about vibrators in the mini-bar? Of course you do as it was a rude post, which always flashes on the ‘I think I’ll click on this one’ blog-reading radar.
While we were all discussing the merits of sex toys in amongst the miniatures and over-priced KitKats, one blogger, Madame Smokin Gun who writes at Scene of the Crime picked up on the fact that I’d been looking at London hotels because we’d been thinking of going to some of the Olympic events next year.
If you’ve never come across Madame’s blog I urge you to go and visit her. Give her some love and tell her I sent you. She’s completely bonkers but her posts are full of refreshing randomness that you just can’t help but smile/laugh/worry for her sanity.
Anyway, I will quote Madame Smokin Gun’s comment on my post in reference to the fact that beach volleyball is to be held at Horse Guards Parade:
Horseguards Parade? Is that one of the sporting ‘guest spots’ for next year? If they hold any events in my beloved Saaarf Lahndaan they could include Car Stripping, Speed Fight (staggered points system for initiation difficulty level ie looking at pint/girlfriend/self etc), Sideways Ponytail Whipping, Kebab Lobbing…… up in Nawf Lund’n they could do Instant Shoe Identification Shot, Parking Space Wrestling, Couscous Moulding Towerstack, Bad Smell Under One’s Nose Endurance………
Divisive? Me?
Just thought of another Nawf Lund’n event: How Quick Can You Produce 2 Pollution-Sensitive Children Move To Brighton And Set Up A Business Selling Driftwood Mobiles…..
Any more good ol’ British regional events we should introduce to the sporting world?
How could I not pick up on this and open the floor to all you readers! My own suggestions were the ‘Slow Tractor Pursuit’ around my own neck of the woods and possibly a ‘White Stiletto 100m Stagger’ in my home town of Newcastle.
Suggestions please…..
Fish 'n' chip eating. Sunday afternoon lawn mowing. Keeping up with the Jones's. All of these should be (and are) great British sports.
@Steve – I particularly like the lawn mowing idea. If the heats are held on a Sunday as you suggest then you could have car washing on the same day!
But then it would rain!
@Steve – you have a point. Retractable roof?
This is mainly just typically English but – back garden slug racing. (Especially if you chase them with a bag of salt!)
@Expat Mum – you could get Steve's lawn-mower racers to chuck the salt as they compete?
Competitive self-deprecation: On second thoughts, no. Honestly, we'd be rubbish at that, can't put ourselves down for toffee….
'moaning about the foreigners' with point scoring to be based on ability to avoid any words related to skin tone or religion with bonus marks for the number of times "I'm not racist but" are thrown in.
'eye avoidance' – stand in metal tube 50 people for 30 minutes, not speaking or looking anyone in the eye. Disqualification will be immediate for anybody rolling eyes at the 'tishtishtish' noise from headphones as this implies acknowledgement of another individual in vacinity. 'Spare seat diving' will be a seperate sport using the same arena.
'yu caaan get a taank through there laaaav' 4×4 parking event sponsored by the Private Schools Collective
How about Pole vaulting with opportunities to practise on most street corners?
Tennis? (its called satire).
Blog commenting?
@plan b – toffee!! We're probably good at making that.
@kelloggsville – I'm laughing a lot at the 4×4 event – there's so much mileage in that one. I might have to compete in that one… *coughs*…and I'm a dead cert for the spare seat driving contest, so I'm told!
@Troy – the medal is yours!!!
Biscuit dunking (very technical) and of course conkers.
Blushing!!! No that wasn't a suggestion. Although I do recall that watching David Bowie in The Man Who Fell To Bits with my mum and dad in the room did produce a pretty deep hue. That's going back a bit tho' – I think I'm pretty out of shape for that event now.
Back to the slugs my mum would win the gold for Slug-Hurling-Over-Next-Door's-Fence.
2 of my boys could be real contenders for the Long Distance Wee – well practiced to the sound of 'Not on your feet!!! Not on you-eeeek- Not on MY feet!!!! (Unfortunately No. 3 is crap at this sport and seeks attention by persistently weeing on our back door step and will not be selected.)
Both my daughter and husband would be podium hoggers with their Turbo Farting prowess. They can move furniture.
My own speciality is the Marathon Back Road Screech With The Hand-Brake On Hedge Dive. I am the current South East champion.
And Sonic Boom Screaming At Children In Public Places. I think the English are very good at that.
More please!!!!
@Kate – if we use our secret weapon, the hob nob, then we're definitely in with a chance, if winning is biscuit sturdiness. Rich Tea if it's mush the judges are looking for.
I must go to the conker championships some day, they aren't far away from me.
@Madame – you see, you're famous now. And there's obviously no stopping you and your talented family (apart from the back door step piddler)!
Queueing, of course! We could even add rudest post office worker to the same event.
Most inappropriate-for-the-weather clothing?
How about a welly race. With sheep.
CJ xx
@Heather – how could I forget queuing: we'd be brilliant at that and wouldn't expend much energy on it. Perfect.
@Crystal Jigsaw – are the sheep wearing the wellies or are we throwing them?
Talking about the weather? Or salesmen in an estate car picking their noses at traffic lights?
Perhaps staggering the 100m in freezing temperatures with bare legs (aka Newcastle on a Sarruday neet)
@Diney – oh yes, weather discussions! Love that.
You pinching my idea about the 100m stagger or just adding the bare legs for added difficulty?
Two more for the road – the Celebrity (we've just placed on a pedestal) Knockdown. We do love to raise 'em up and bring 'em back down with a thud.
And my personal favourite – Knackered Car Speed Bump Rocket Launch Long Jump. I'm definitely entering that one.
I'm still picturing the lawn-mower and slug racing event as a sort of slow motion curling thang. And curling's not exactly fast motion in the first place. Perhaps Murray Walker could commentate to liven it up a bit.
What larks!!!
Best comment ever. I am heading over to Madam right now!
@Madame SG – Loving the celebrity knockdown: that's our best chance for a win in the ring. And the speed bump rocket launch adds an exciting look to our field events
Do you think we could do the lawn-mower and slug racing at Wimbledon: they have a retractable roof?
@About last weekend – If Madame comments it certainly livens up the reading. So pleased you're popping over there.