Mum’s Gone to Cyprus – Day Six – The spa

Sitting by the pool today reading the information about the hotel’s spa: The Retreat – “the ultimate in top-to-toe pampering for body and mind”.

I may be the only woman to admit to this but I just don’t find the idea of being rubbed and scrubbed by a stranger remotely attractive. Anything that involves being massaged with essential oils is a precursor to other activities as far as I’m concerned and, unless I could be sure that I was to be slathered in jojoba by a Greek Adonis, then I’m not interested. In fact I find the whole idea of some young girl faffing about with my middle-aged body acutely embarrassing. I also don’t want to wander around in a pair of paper knickers, being dipped in and out of hot and cold baths or being smothered in mud (and here it’s mud from Morocco, much better mud than Cypriot mud I expect, well worth carting over from Africa). And anyway I’m here in Cyprus, lying in the sunshine with a good book, with no cooking, washing or housework to do: that is relaxation enough for me. Why would I want to subject myself to hot stones or massages when the sun is warming me nicely enough and I have a very obliging husband who can rub the Ambre Solaire in at a moment’s notice, albeit rather grudgingly because he’s at a good bit in his own book?

The menu from the spa is highly entertaining though:

Tropical Escape:
Drenched with Papaya and Pineapple, this tropical wrap is
enriched with Crème Fraiche blended with potent anti-ageing ingredients such as collagen and elastin. Experience a glorious sensory escape as you are firstly exfoliated with the Tropical Saltmousse before being enveloped by the scent of vanilla and enticing tropical fruits. Recommended for premature ageing, the skin is deeply nourished revealing a youthful skin.
70 minutes. 150 euros

If you want to spend £120 wrapped up like a fruit salad then go ahead. I particularly like the touch of Creme Fraiche. Maybe if I just raid the dessert section of the buffet I could do this one on the cheap.

Green Coffee treatment for cellulite:
Utilising a newly discovered ingredient Green Coffee which has been proved 100% effective at fighting free-radical damage. Leaves visible reduction of the appearance of cellulite.
55 minutes 125 euros

125 euros is about £100 and I reckon I could do just as good a job by having a brisk rub with a flannel dipped in Nescaff.

Caviar and Pearls Facial:
A natural alternative to Botox using Russian caviar and pearl
extracts. Ideal for those who would like to minimise the signs of ageing, dramatically reducing facial expression lines and wrinkles.
60 minutes. 240 euros

240 EUROS?! That’s the equivalent of £190….to have fish eggs rubbed into your face! In fact I now see how this really works: you see the price, your jaw drops and in doing so your wrinkles disappear! I show the brochure to hubby who, like me, is very sceptical about spa treatments but more for the reason that the ingredients sound dubious. He reckons for most treatments a tube of E45 cream would do just as well and he would only pay this sort of money for a massage if he could be sure of “extras”!

April 2008