Do you remember reading the post some months ago by Very Bored in Catalunya on the subject of personal grooming? Fascinating stuff it was, discovering who was into pubic topiary and who just wore bigger pants to cover things up.
Well this weekend I read an article in the Sunday Times Style magazine by Gemma Soames: How Does your Lady Garden Grow? Apparently ‘with silver bells and cockle shells’ isn’t far from the truth these days. Gemma uncovers spas which offer a book of “hairstyles” to choose from and enlightened me in the diamante landing strip called a Bollywood.
However, the bit that surprised me the most was the new treatment from the US now hitting our shores: the vajacial, a facial for your nether regions. People suffering from ingrowing hair or hyper-pigmentation following waxes will soon be able to pay good money for a wet microdermabrasion followed by a lovely rehydrating infusion.
Heavens above! Who could do a job like that? “So what do you do?”, “Me, oh I’m a labia lubricator”.
This is all way beyond what I could ever dream of putting myself through. A rub with a wet flannel has always been sufficient for my needs, having been brought up to believe Femfresh was the work of the devil and would probably bring me out in a rash.
In fact my very Catholic upbringing has probably scarred me for life as regards front-bottoms. You see, can’t even say the proper words without blushing. I never saw other girls’ bits and pieces, having no sisters to compare to and a mother who would get changed under her nightie. At school we all kept ourselves properly covered-up too.
It was only at University that I was able to see whether my foliage was okay or whether I needed to do more than tuck it in and keep my legs together. It was quite a shock when, one week in, I shared a room with a very game girl on a Geography field trip. She stripped off without a care and I was mesmerised by the quite staggering amount of hair which seemed to cover an area from her navel to her knees. From then on, I was never worried about my own meagre patch.
However, I’m still a shy girl and the thought of a salon waxing is still anathema to me. Having a smear is a necessary evil and even then my eyes are tight shut until the whole sorry business is over. I keep myself trimmed and tidy and presume everything is looking okay in the knicker department. Husband never complains….though, as a GP, the ones he usually sees are needing treatment in some way or another so I presume mine is a work of art in comparison.
May I leave you with information about a Canadian company also mentioned in the article now offering hypoallergenic, paraben-free lotions and potions for your lady-bits. With the glorious name, I Love My Muff, I can see this taking off in a big way. The website is ilovemymuff.com. The perfect stocking filler, surely!
I prefer DIY and a regular short back and sides is fine but it happened to come up in conversation whilst having my eyelash extensions and my beautician (who is a very close friend and cousin) was telling me about the wax jobs she does and it would seem that many many ladies aren't the shy retiring flowers that we are! I much prefer any muff massage to come from hubby. I'm sure I could squirt a bit of hand lotion in the direction at the time, I mean it's got to be the same as a professional buff up surely!!!
Ooh do they ship overseas?
I quite like the idea of a diamante bush though, I am very drawn to pretty sparkly things, maybe you could get coloured ones so your bush looks a bit like a Christmas tree – festive and all that.
I am giggling…I should be working! Hilarious…I am cringing thinking about diamante tho, all sorts of 'catching on things' problems come to mind!
LOL. Brilliant post. But I'm not giving anything away!!
CJ xx
So funny! A great post! I am blushing and not going to comment further, only to say I am also too scared to go to a stranger and have my bits waxed & preened! Wish I could pluck up the courage (ouch!), but the razor will suffice for now…
I really needed a good laugh, and now I got one!! Thank you!
XXX
Kelloggsville – Indeed, I'm sure Vaseline Intensive Care would do the job, with an enthusiastic husband to boot. Will ask him later.
Very Bored – could be expensive. See Kelloggsville's ideas above then decorate as you see fit.
Christine – Oh god yes, it's all far too troublesome to contemplate.
CJ – oh, do you charge then?
Sarah – a girl after my own heart.
Jean – my pleasure. It's cheered me up too.
Down my way the trend is to resemble a 6-yr old with everything ripped out from lip to toe.
As I'm not into trends, and have a low pain and boredom threshold, I ignore it completely (apart from odd trim), but can you imagine the time it takes on upkeep?
That website name is just hilarious but completely pointless. Sanex/Simple soap and a shower and Bob's yer uncle!
Sarah – and Fanny's your Aunt!!
The grow out has to be hell! It would be one thing if it were only bushy in the front, but hair tends to travel down there. A lady parts masseuse would need a map and a compass for me.
A vajacial? Hey, can I get some dickosuction here?
Steve – only through a straw.
A fascinating blog posting but a distinct lack of photos compared to your usual offering. More than just bald text would have made it more interesting.
Troy – apologies my dear friend. The photos would not have been as bald as the text and could well have frightened people away. I'm sure if you google "diamante muff" you might find something to cheer you up 🙂
lmao (the front one) off. Cosmetic companies must be seeing a dip in profits and trying to compensate…………….Jen
There was nothing under "diamante muffs" other than stuff about ear muffs but I did check out the ilovemymuff.com website.
Strikes me it is more of a tights filler rather than a stocking filler except perhaps for your university field trip mate.
Jen – LMFAO – the F now stands for "front" thanks to you: that made me giggle.
Troy – I used to have a furry muff when I was younger to keep my hands warm. They don't seem to be the trend anymore.
Karla – apologies, I forgot to reply to your comment: they were all coming in thick and fast (note to self: teddy bears and lady parts increase blog traffic)
You've got to the heart of the matter: it's the undercarriage on show with legs akimbo in front of a stranger that distresses me too.
Very funny! and as a good Catholic girl myself I know what you mean about feeling comfortable with your lady bits!! I was reading this earlier…http://katyboo1.wordpress.com/ ..vajayjays must be on everbodys mind!!
Wetting myself at the post and the comments. I actually saw something similar in an American mag this morning and it was discussing microdermabrasion – down there. (See, I can't say it either.)
Microdermabrasion. Just what sort of damage are we talking about in the first place?
funny, funny, funny!
am off to trim
http://www.northernmum.wordpress.com
Libby – have been to read the post: it was brilliant!
Expat Mum – that convent education has a lot to answer for!
Northern Mum – good girl: a nice trim is all that's necessary (though sometimes I've got a bit carried away with the razor with startling results)
Brilliant!
I've eschewed beautician waxes since my mate told me about going to her friend's salon where they had a good old chuckle over the contents of the bin: the previous client's 'leftovers'.
There'll be no perusal of my unwanted hair, so it's DIY for me now (as is most of the stuff going on down there these days…)
I have actually used the "i love my muff" products, I will admit I was bit of a skeptic at first, but after I actually bought read up on their website I was really impressed. The wipes are fantastic for carting around in your bag. Love the scent of the "blue"
oh bloody hilarious. You are indeed a good convent school girl. Our Sisters would be proud of you. And let's face it, if we didn't all have mother's who got dressed and undressed under cover of their nighties we'd not be going to convents in the first place.
😉
ehmummy – oh that's hideous: people laughing at your pubes in a bucket!
Anonymous – Excellent! I had a look at the website the other day and definitely see the benefit of a wipe for when your muff's on the move. If I lived in Canada I would order some. And what a fantastic name – genius!
Clippy Mat – well, God was always watching!!
Read "Tale of Blue Thunder" by Attack of the Redneck Mummy. Topiary taken too far…
Anonymous – thanks for the suggestion: have been to have a read. I've heard of older women over here having a blue rinse but this was something else! Very funny.
My word: I read that article too and was quite amazed. I have enough trouble trying to remember to shave my legs once in a while, so topiary down there is completely out of the question!
Knackered mother – maybe I'm just of a certain age where that was never the trend. Growing up in the late 70s and 80s the fashion was always au naturel!
I've been trying to read your post with 11 year old trying to read over my shoulder while she waits to use the pc herself – could have damaged her for life Trish!! She asked what a muff was. Obviously I said it was a kind of furry, warm thing…then she got bored, which was just as well!! I'm going to ask hubby if he needs any ideas for my prezzies this year…..
Hialrious! I had a Catholic upbringing too so I really laughed at that part of the post. A little worrying to think my parents buy The Times! I have a fabulous beautician. That's all I'm saying 😉
Diney – I think your definition was spot on.
Rosie – I should have got myself a fabulous beautician years ago and maybe I wouldn't be so self-conscious now!
Hilarious!! But I will not share my habits!! ;o)
Outrageous behaviour. Keep it under your nightie. Shocking….. That'll be 3 Hail Marys for you lady! Ooh I just said 'Mary'! Gone all pink and flustered now…….
Funky wellies – ooh do share!
Madame SG – Three Hail Marys? That's SO UNFAIR.